Friday, October 9, 2015

The Martian

The Martian is a lazy copy/paste piece of McDonalds shit. That's why everyone likes it. It's the fucking Big Mac. The way you know you like it.

Matt Damon gets uninterestingly stranded onto Mars. Matt Damon is very chill about it. Matt Damon starts video-blogging about how he's gonna do all the shit that he's gonna do. This, interestingly enough, is an even shittier version of cheap voiceovers that aim to spare the spectator of the effort of thinking or processing images on their very own. Rejoice. There are no images to process. Matt Damon cracks a lot of jokes about how he has disco music on Mars. This is so funny. Matt Damon says he is going to "science the shit out of this".  Reddit generation jubilates.

We learn from this movie that it is not so bad to be stranded on Mars, because you can video-blog and sometimes it gets pretty bad but then you yell out "God damn" three times and then everything is jokey again.

You could say that the characters are counterfeit but there are no characters. Just the most ostensive talking heads meant solely to move the surprisingly boring plot along.

At some point it seems like maybe the plan is not going to go exactly as planned. But then someone has another idea of how to save Matt Damon from video-blogging.

Matt Damon says from the very beginning "I am not going to die here". Never has a line like this sounded more like audience reassuring than character voicing.

This film is nothing but a series of constant reassurances that everything is going to go the way you hope it's gonna go.

Everyone relax. This is the perfect burger.


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